Prince Charming In Moderate Earth, Best Friends Forevah
Biff Charming the defeated foe of SOBamaman for the rule of Moderate Earth, decided to break bread with his former sworn opponent, and discuss ways to work together and help keep transforming Moderate Earth into the Bottom of the Barrel Earth. We join our new best friends during their lunch in the White Tower.
SOB(Sobamaman): Biff , you evil overlord of outsourcing and wealth creation, welcome to my liar, er my office.
BC(Biff Charming): Glad I could come and meet you again Santamaman, gifter to all the colored folks and courageous commander of killing our unarmed foes and Moderate Earth diplomats.
SOB: Ha, ha, you are the joker aren’t you. Ah I am glad the past is behind us, for I need your talent and good looks for a photo op, look over there Biffy, smile… {FLASH}.
BC: However I can help your Highness.
SOB: Please Biff, lets not be so formal, I’m just The One to my friends.
BC: Okay, One, so have you heard anything recently from my old pal, Gov. Hissie Christie Dumptie? He doesn’t seem to return my calls of late.
SOB: Who,…oh… Big Dumptie, yes, he sure did take one on yooo…. er… no He is very busy, he has appearances to keep up on those important news outlets like Saturday Evening Comatose. But boy he does take a good photo op and sound bite… he doesn’t miss many bites does he? Ho Ho
BC: Yaaah, well I least Gollum McPrecious is leaving me alone these days. I hear he is going after your United Earther ambassador Sushi “Brown” Rice. Poor defenseless female and minority, Sushi; Gollum is a mean old and I mean old troll isn’t he?
SOB: McPrecious finally learned to pick a fight he could win, but I have said to him ‘come on old man, I beat yo’ ass down one more time, like the ugly motherfolker you are.’ Like he needs anymore time with the ugly stick huh? Yes Sushi, so gentle and so pliable and she flattens out so nicely as the SOBamaman bus runs over her. Oh look lunch is being served….
BC: Oh macaroni and cheese and spam, some of my favorites, isssssssshhh.
SOB: I wish I could join you, but Michellandbrimstone, my concubine, er wife, keeps me on strict diet so I will suffer with my glazed salmon with fresh caesar salad and quarterpounder with goat cheese, and sweet potato fries with some McDonnies fries snuck in there. All work and no play… really pisses me off.
BC: So you must have wished for my 5 point plan to use to help turn around the country. I have many copies here for your use.
SOB: No, I think our stock of toilet paper is overflowing so I see no need.
BC: Maybe, some tips from my corporate days, One?
SOB: Noooooot really big guy, pass the tarter sauce pal, I think I got this business stuff all figured out. Douches like you, make some stuff and then you dumbsheeters give most of your revenue back to dear old SOBamaman. He will then reinvest it in some of his bestest other friend’s businesses, you know the ones that like to spend money like there is no tomorrow and then go broke but we get dumbsheeters like you and other payers of taxes to cover for their mistakes. They learned that from me,… did you know that?
BC: Sure. Well, then maybe I can help in showing you some ways we can reduce all the red ink?
SOB: Are you forking me there big Biff?? Sheeet no, I just got this spending thing down, we print money, we rob from the Rich and we spend like we don’t have a care in the world. No way I am going back to the policies of the past… growth and moderate government, Nein mein Herr!!
BC: What? I don’t understand.
SOB: Excuse me, I sometimes forget who I am, just your humble One. My time does fly, well this was nice, maybe we’ll do this again when I rule over all of the Earth. Don’t worry about not finishing lunch, we’ll get you a doggy bag, just promise not to strap it to the top of your car. Ho ho, Alexrod wrote that one, he is good isn’t he? …. and Biff?
BC: Yes One and Only?
SOB: Don’t let the door hit you in the ass… I hate loud noises before nappy time. Burp.
SOBamaman finds an answer in his Christie Ball
Well after a really, really and really long hiatus from the 2Tea blog, I have returned to add a new chapter in the struggle for Moderate Earth. After the monster storm hits the East coastal regions, SOBamaman is given new life to help retain his grip on Moderate Earth for another four years. His evil alchemist , Lgore, conjurned up a late season Hurricane, named Handy and helped to take the spotlight off SOBamaman’s foreign debacle and bring the focus back to looking dictator- like. A surprising pawn in this October surprise is Governer Hissie Christie Dumptie , who’s state of Snookieland took a big fall. Christie pleaded for help from SOBamaman, who was more than ready to oblige the fat one. No price is too high for the evil one to crush our surging challenger Prince Biff Charming. Who knows how this will all play out, but all I know is SOBamaman has at least one Reppacheep governor by the ball.
Prince Charming in Moderate Earth – Ganpaulf makes the rounds
The race to the top of the Reepacheep contest seems to be Biff Charming’s to win. Santorond, gave a strong battle to Biff in his native kingdom of Mishmashagain and later in Ohhideouto, but wasn’t enough to turn the tide. Gildo Teabaggins seems to focus on making sure he didn’t lose in Georgioshire. But of interest to many is the role of the wizard Ganpaulf and the possible alliance he has formed with Prince Charming and what this might bode for the future. Let us review Ganpaulf’s recent sightings with the remaining Reepacheep contenders. During a campaign stop Ganpaulf has a heated exchange with his former little buddy.Gildo “Eye of the Newt” Teabaggins (GT): Gee Wiz what gives? We use to be buds, now all you can do is give me crap. I left Georgioshire at your urging to pursue the big ring but now I find out you want for yourself. You big jerk.
Gandpaulf (GP): Ye little hobbit with the big mouth. I would support you if you weren’t such a hypocrite. Oh you say you hate big government but then you consult with Freddie Mac the Knife and Fanny May Day Real Estate and Holdings. Oh you say you hate Washengard yet you say when you were Speaker of the Hut you said yourself one had to be an insider. Your tongue tells many lies Mr. Hairy toes.
GT: Okay Mr. Marshmellow, all soft on the enemies of Moderate Earth, who would allow anyone who smoke some special herbs to do so with no penalties. You are not a Reepacheeper you are a Liberton! Free love and all that…. let me tell you love ain’t free when you’ve had three… wives that is.
GP: Maybe you best add a zipper to your cloak, sex can be hobbit forming… pretty good for dry old wiz, huh? Well I love Moderate Earth and I truly love the Constitution, that is my mistress Dildo!
GT: Oh now the name calling, a gotcha attack, or should I say a crotcha attack… forget about a Christmas card this coming year old man.
Later he meets up with Kung Fu Master Effing U “Ricky” Santorond
GP: Hey Eff U!
Santorond (SA): Its Effing U grandpa. You disgusting Liberton, look at you. You look like Chewbacca with a bad Kiss makeup job.
GP: Don’t blame me, blame the douche that does the photoshopping around here.
SA: When you gonna win something Chewie?
GP: When you when a win a close contest with Prince Charming.
SA: Oh your bestest friend Biff, how is Biff?
GP: I align with no one, Cupcake. You Pocono pussy. You lover of the earmark, you leaver of the skidmarks, you Markist, mark my words, Markie Mark, Jump the Mark, the Marks Brothers…
SA: Shuddup already. How you like a leg kick to the noggin to dislodge all those brain farts you got up there?
GP: Put a condom over your pie hole.
SA: You could lose some teeth with one more remark like that.
GP: Are you serious dude. Go threaten some Middle East Kingdom you warmonger. I got more serious dudes to deal with.
And finally he meets in secret with the Prince.
GP: Your Lord, how does it goeth?
Prince Biff Charming (PC): It goes pretty good, not great, could be better; I thought you were going to make our opponents weak and I could wrap this damn thing up and I hear you doth criticize me.
GP: I must dear Prince, for the media scribes and pundits seem to be on to our little alliance.
PC: First Rumpleforeskin and now you, I don’t know who to trust.
GP: I will lie down at the right time Charming but I too want something for my loyalty. Not your gold like Rumpledumbsheets does, by the way a little advice, READ THE FINE PRINT NUMB NUTS!! No I just want you to take my son, Randpaulf as your running mate. Take my son, please.
PC: Oh so we’re Henny Youngman now. Well we shall see. I rather put you in as Secretary of the Treasury or maybe ambassador to Mordor.
GP: Nope, Randpaulf or I shall make a big stinky at the Reepacheep convention.
PC: I must sleep on it, by the way does my hair look okay? Is my crown straight?
GP: Perfect as always… oh RoboPrince. Maybe you’d like to try my man purse as an accessory.
PC: No it would clash with my blue suede, this belt isn’t too wide is it? Does this outfit make my butt look big…
GP: Sheesch…(oh to turn this prince into a frog… just once…must resist…)
Prince Charming in Moderate Earth – SOBamaman takes action
As the Reppacheepers battle for supremacy for the right to face SOBamaman this Fall in the epic battle for control of Moderate Earth, SOBamaman is beginning to stir and flex his mighty powers. Let us join him as he is joined by this left hand man Joey “The Talker” Tietongue.SOBamaman (SOB): Joey I tell you, I love to stand up here and gaze over this great country that wasn’t so great until I was given the chance to fundamentally transform it.
Joey TieTongue (JT): Youse got that right boss, and what a job youse doing… you sortenly deserve to serve Moderate Earth for another four years.
SOB: Truly. Yes look at those economic reports. Less and less unemployment everyday. Gas prices surging, people leaving the work force surging, debt surging, food stamps surging, taxes for rich evil doers surging, salaries for government workers surging…. that is progress isn’t it big Joe?
JT: Its all good boss, real fxxxg good. You surge so good. You are so good. Damn you are good.
SOB: I would say the same of you, but truthfully I’ve had better….
JT: Of course, no one is worthy of you my Lord. Yes you own this wonderful economy now. And your new budget what a stroke of genius….
SOB: Truly, cutting trillions, taxing trillions and even more trillions in new spending, it’s just numbers with lots of zeros. And we will do more big Joe since we don’t need that thing they call… damn, what is it… it is a bunch of idiots over there in that domed building…help me here Joey….
JT: Ah, Congress?
SOB: Yes, we don’t need them to hatch more of our wonderful schemes and plans and we will also ignore that piece of paper that so many Moderate Earthers, you know the ones I like to call “the folks”, as in dumb motherfolkers; says has some value to it… again help me… document old… has many amendments… geez…
JT: Ah, the Constitution boss?
SOB: 2 for 2 Joey boy, might be a modern day record. Yes who needs some old piece of history when we can rewrite things with a clean slate. Mandate more free stuff for the masses. You want free Trojans for your daily freak sessions, damn straight; in case you forget the condom, no problem we’ll abort that little mistake again at no charge to you Mr. and Mrs. Voter, and then we will accuse Reepacheepers of hating all things sexual, oh its delicious isn’t Joey?
JT: Like tootie fruitie ice cream on a hot summer day dar Boss man.
SOB: Give me a little SOBama fist bump there Joey, it’s gonna be great victory, but I must not rest, for every day I must focus on jobs, jobs, jobs and more jobs especially my job… by the way is my scheduled cleared for golf this weekend, and have you cleared March for making my NCAA bracket and by Allah I need a Spring break soon, hell Michellandbrimstone is skiing in Asspin as I work my fingers to the bone. Well lookie there it’s nap time…
JT: Yore the best my clean, black, powerful leader … I love you…
SOB: Jesus man you are drooling on my robe again… yuck.
JT: One question before you depart, why is my staff so much smaller than yours my master?
SOB: I would say because I am black, but that would only be half true and I would never ever ever play the race card, would I, my short cracker homie…..?????!!!!
JT/SOB: hehehshhhoooohehehashahhheheheheheha oh stop it.. h ehehehhosajjajajaja, ahhhh, mmmmkay.
Prince Charming in Moderate Earth – The Rumpster Touch
Oh dear readers (if I have any) I know much has transpired since our last look at Prince Biff Charming and his quest to get the Reepacheepian nomination to do battle with SOBamaman for ultimate control over Moderate Earth. Biff flexed his muscles and crushed the victor in South Rednecklia, Gildo Teabaggins, in the state of Seminolerideah.
Next Prince Charming goes to Sinevada and picks up the endorsement of the powerbroker Rumpleforeskin also know as the Rump. Again our brave and noble Biff wins big, getting dealt a political “21” and cashing in on most of the delegates. Oh what could go wrong… ahem. Well something like a Kung Fu fighter, the effingelical Eff U Master, Santorond comes in, seemingly out of nowhere, kicking and screaming taking no prisoners and almost as many delegates in Frozensoda, Mizzshowmeemo, Colorockado. Though a mere body blow to Biff he had some ‘splaining to do, especially to his new golden master, Rumpleforeskin. Let us join them on a conference call after the surprise showing of Santorond.
Prince Charming (PC): Biff here.
Rumpleforeskin (RU): So Biff is that how you treat me? You get my endorsement and then you go stiffing on me in the next three contests?
PC: Now, now listen Rumpster this is a mere set back, some pockets of hard core Right Earthers and Effingelicals who won’t come into line with the true and established Reepacheepers.
RU: Now you listen to me, maybe you forgot that little contract we signed in Sinevada? The one saying if thou shalt lose you end up giving me part of your family jewels?
PC: I thought that was only if I lost the nomination, but not pertaining to every state contest?
RU: You didn’t read the fine print did you Buffo? Do you think my gold and endorsement come with no strings attached? Look at all the strings on my face, let me tell you its not easy being so two faced.
PC: Yes that surgery was so unfortunate. How did that happen again?
RU: I come apart at the seams last year during a press conference, go here for a reminder.
PC: Go where ?
RU: It was a link for the readers (if there any) of this blog! Anyway for losing those contests I require 51% stake in UrsoBain Capital.
PC: Are you outta your fricking mind!
RU: No, and to prove it I like to bring on the line a mutual friend to let you know how serious I am. Are you there my Precious?
Gollum McPrecious (GM): Yes it is Gollum, your Rumpness, … Gollum is all dizzy in the brain…. Oh Biff the stiff are u going to get my precious or do I have to support the Rump? You shows mes good signs and then bad signs …. Gollum likes consistency and loose bowels.
RU/PC: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwww…
GM: I have still powers Princely Loser, you must vanquish this effingelical Effing U Santorond soon or my mind may sway or fail entirely. I have ways to make you pay if you don’t do as the big Foreskin says… don’t rub the foreskin the wrong way.. hehhehe… I like that one…click
RU: Opps, looks like we lost the line… beware Biff for you never know when Gollum may take a dump on your parade.
Hissie Christie Dumptie (HCD): Did someone mention my name? Gentleman, this is Governor Dumptie here. I like to say kudos to Biff on releasing your tax returns and now if you donate most of your stock to Mr. Rumpleforeskin then you will look like a hero instead of a cruel rich bastard and then the Rump can build the biggest casino eveah in Atlantic City which means more dockets for the Snookieland coffers and its a win win win … opps I got so excited I almost took a big fall… excuse me my deep dish pizza just come out of the oven…
RU: Well Biff I think you see I have you by the royal short hairs if you will. So look forward to your first payment to my bank account as quick as the eagle strikes the hare. Just so the eagles doesn’t go after my hair… hohehehehshehheooheehh…get it … hare and hair… oheshdhehehehshsheheeheh
PC: Dear God what hath I done?????
Meanwhile deep in the Pocono training center.. . Santorond is getting some special kick box and axe handling instruction from the famous trainer, the dwarf Gimpi Goldmine.
Gimpi Goldmine (GG): Is that all you got youse wuss you…you effing girl, Rocky!
Santorond (SA): First its Ricky shortstuff and secondly, stop with all the swearing, I am sensitive to that you know. You are driving me too hard.
GG: Listen kid you wanta whup that Charming’s ass all over the mat dontcha, then you got to get stronger and tougher and less whiny … and then you dumbskull you go and make enemies of the Liberterons… you got barely enough in you to keep that Gildo in a headlock. Who knows what other enemies lurk out there,… so are you a man, or are youse a panty waste, Cupcake???
SA: I’ll show you what I got… damn right I will… I am the true Tea lover in this fight… and somebody’s bag is gonna to get dunked and then shredded to itsy bitsy pieces and then I’ll suck the remaining juices out of it…. pow, zap, boing, zip, rip, snap, succkckckck, slurp, gulp….ehhhhhhhowwwwwwwwwwww
GG: Whoa kid, I gots your message loud and clear… okay come at me with your best combo… and remember no more jokes about tossing me outta the ring or you be seeing the business end of my axe blade.
Prince Charming in Moderate Earth – Limping to Florida (aka Seminolerideah)
When we last saw our valiant warrior, Prince Biff Charming he was heading off to New Hamhockshire to claim victory in his hopes to be the choice of Reepacheepian party to claim back the mantle of Supreme Leader of Moderate Earth. SOBamaman the current overlord stays in the shadows ready for a clear opponent to attack, but the battle appears far from settled among the Reepacheepers. We now find the Prince slowly traveling to Seminolerideah sadden to have taken a beating in South Rednecklia to the devious and tenacious Gildo Teabaggins.Our story continues with Prince Charming talking with his horse, Go-Figure, about what could have been.
Prince Charming (PC) : “Why, oh why my faithful stead did I fumble the opportunity to close out the battle for the Reepacheepian mantle. I should have released my tax forms earlier. When did it become a crime to be rich, successful and damn good looking?”
Gollum McPrecious (GM): “When the Orcupiers started their protest with tacit support of that SOB… Gollum means the One, yes Precious hates the One.”
PC: “In the name of Brigham Young, you scared the horse apples out of me, thou freak accident of nature!”
GM: “Sorry your biffness, Gollum is anxious to help and your question seemed directed to no one in particular… so I didn’t wait to announce myself, a thousand and one pardons. I hear word, of a great defeat, please tell Gollum I hear wrong… wrongly I hear… God I am talking like Yoda, … ”
PC: ” Enough of your twisted tongue, son of a ragpicker. Yes I am humbled to say that Gildo Teabaggins has won the battle in South Rednecklia. He did well in our debate before the vote and the scribes went after my time with UrsoBain Capital saying I destroyed the lives of many serfs and pocketing much gold for my own coffer. Oh they so easily ignored the businesses thy helped and the wealth I created.”
GM: “Those Orcupiers talk hate speech about the wealth of the few. They make good old hoarding and love of a full coin purse a bad thing. Pocks on them, but Gollum likes the Tea- loving Hobbits even less. Hairy footed bastards… death to Gildo!!!”
PC: “Save your breathe, there may be a time I could use thee vile tongue. You should know your former handmaiden Queen Pallid gave her support for Gildo or at least said she would vote for him. What a moosey skank. ”
GM: “She is an artic fox is she not, Gollum warned of her. She is large of busom but not so much of brain. No not smart like Gollum and … hmmmm… who is as smart as I? Oh yes, like you too Prince of the Biffie.”
PC “Whatever fool, and I suppose I lost as well, because Peragorn dropped out to go back to Texasses and govern those cowboys of strange speech. But Peragon, before he fled, gave his support to Gildo. And of course, South Rednecklia is home to many effingelicals many who secretly hate Moronomism my religious faith. But now I must focus on Seminolerideah and crush my opponent once and for all.”
GM: “Does the Wizard still play a role in this fight?”
PC: “Pffffth, he claims he is doing well but he must go and look into his tiny tiny crystal balls and count his delegates on one hand, while he scratches his crystals with his free hand. He angles for some kind of role in the main fight but I don’t trust him with anything but cleaning up after Go-Figure.”
GM: “Me thinks he could clean up after me too!! My Depends are full to overflowing, Gollum very forgetful.”
PC: ” Yes, forget you, freaktoid… i must ride on and go downwind. Then you will be gone with the wind…..”
GM: ” Frankly I don’t give a damn, excepts for my Precious… loser Prince do not fail me …fffffffaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttt… oopsie, Gollum make a messy.”
Prince Charming in Moderate Earth
Our story begins with the second quest of Prince Biff Charming (PC) to claim the throne of Moderate Earth, he is fresh from a close victory in Eyeohwah but is gearing up to do battle in New Hamhockshire , a tiny state in the old country of New Anglophile. As he rests on his journey he is greeted by an old adversary, the wily Gollum McPrecious (GM), who now seems willing to be the Prince’s ally.As Prince Charming rested by the peaceful woodland pond, he was startled by a noise in nearby woods.
PC: “Hark, who goes there? Friend or Foe?”
GM:”Careful with thee sword, oh Prince of Charms and Good looks, it is I Gollum and I come in peace, oh yes, peace indeed. Gollum likes Peace except in the Middle East kingdoms… Gaddifi rot in hell you bastard…”
PC: “Tell me, what is the nature of this surprise visit and what has happened to you… you have aged beyond thy years.”
GM: “Yes, I was cast aside when I lost to The One, SOBamaman. He made Gollum look weak and powerless and much aging I have endured. Thus my sweet Prince, I have come to join your crusade and finally bring and end to The One and take hold of my precious… our precious, yes.”
PC: “I will take your support with some holding of the nostrils, my God man could you throw a shower in your schedule from time to time?”
GM: “Oh yes my handsome King to be. So tell me of thy latest battles, your foes are too numerous to keep track and Gollum is easily confused these days. Thank the stars above my former handmaiden Queen Pallid has stayed home in her Ice Castle, Gollum says she is no good and as wily as the arctic fox, oh my Lucky Charms… Gollum knows they are always after me Lucky Charms…”
PC: “Babble no more knave and I shall inform thee to the question you doth poseth. Events have been strange and twists and turns lurk around every curve. When I thought it was Gildo “the eye of Newt” Teabaggins I should most fear, a challenger henceforth of no consequence comes to the fore.”
GM: “Would this be the Black Knight, the one they call the 999 of Spades?”
PC: “No the Black Knight was brought down by of all things a lady, well several ladies, well not ladies really, tarts, or even less discreet would say whores, but not I to criticize; for all men, at least the men I partake company of, are vulnerable to the charms of the female flesh.”
GM: “Gollum thinks the Knight got his freak on, … oh I like the thought of that… ”
PC: “Silence wretched man! My new opponent is the Santorond the part effingelical, part conservative leader from the mountains they call the Poconos. His war chest is yet small but I fear he may take those who no longer favor the Black Knight or the Queen of Minnaria.”
GM:”He is young this Santamoron?”
PC: ” It’s Santorond, and he is not young, but his looks are boyish and this peeves me greatly, for I should be the fairest of them all!”
GM: “What of the wizard, as well as , the leader of where men are men?”
PC: “Yes, Ganpaulf and Peragon. Ganpaulf, oh what a wiz he iz …. NOT! He is of two minds this wizard, he is part Right Earth on matters fiscally. But he is seen as Far Left Earth with his views of the use of the armed forces. He would ignore the outlying enemies of Moderate Earth and audit the Royal Bank instead. He babbles often incoherently and has a gaze that can give ones sphincter a good tightening. As for Peragon, he is unsure, one day in, next day out; I hear he retrenches in South Rednecklia and whiles his hours hunting at his lodge, Coon River Game Farm.”
GM: ” My sphincter is often tightened and Gollum is frequently bound and gassy, me hates Milk of Magnesia….”
PC: “Spare me the details of your movements ye of foul smell and bad comb-over. Time is of the essence, I must make my showing in Hamhockshire.”
GM: “Ride like I break the wind my dearest friend… and Gollum wishes you success on bringing my precious to me… TO ME… ME ME ME… but please go gentle on Sobamaman, for we must be fair, mustin we my Lord?, and not upset the media scribes… yes, and then Moderate Earth will be mine… Ours.. yes… hehehehehe… “
2 Tea or Not 2 Tea, That is the Party 