A Beltway Hillbilly meets Sheriff Joe and a special inmate

Its been a spell since we last seen our favorite bunch of hillbillies,  The Beltway Hillbillies,  lead by family patriarch Mitch Dumbasset,  his nephew Jonthro Boner the house menace., Granny Annie Coulter the deranged shotgun-packing crazy woman, Kelly Mae Ayotte-Dumbasset, the shapely,  but not seemingly too bright daughter of Mitch, along with their foals in DC,  Scary Drysreid, Nanny Giveaway and Mr. Big among others.  This episode of our favorite DC hayseeds has Jonthro Boner going to Arizona to see if Sheriff Joe will give Jonthro a quick lesson in sheriffing and make Jonthro an authorized lawmen like that of Matt Dillon, Bat Masterson or Barney Fife.

Scene:  Sheriff Joe’s jailhouse in Arizona

Sheriff Joe

Jonthro Boner (JB):  Howdy pardner Joe, it sure is swell you giving me some o’ time to visit your post here on the frontier and giving me some tips on sheriffing.

Sheriff Joe (SJ): Well actually I sent you an email saying I had to cancel, just so busy trying to defeat that darn gang of Ocho.

JB:  Well I don’t like email or any of them modern do-hickey things the kids do.  So here I am, give me some of yo’ bestest tips Big Joe.  Maybe firing some weapons down on the range, near that home on the range, where the buffalo…

SJ:  Cut the crap there Jonthro, before we do anything I gotta ask you what in the name of tarnation you idiots doing in DC?   You gonna let old Beaner Ohbaja pass that Gawd awful immigration deform bill.

Jonthro Boner Cowboy wannabe

JB: Well I ain’t been paying too close attention to that bill, or Benghazi or IRS scandals.  This tan doesn’t come without a cost.  So where is my official HLS badge?

SJ:  Boner, I have just about had it with you RINOs, I ran the Marco Kid out of town just a few weeks back.   And I ain’t Homeland Security you in-bred moron.

JB:  Hey, I just  got some magic mushrooms from Lucky Schroomer and I think my noggin well be better soon after I take of few of those, whoa, can I go in the squad car and make the siren go wu wu!

SJ:  No, Jonthro, though that would be niffy fun. I got a better idea.  I need a guard for our holding cell and that would give you some official lawman creed.   You know mingle with real life prisoners and then maybe I will let you see my silver six shooters.

JB: Oh boy, you are cool dude.

SJ:  The coolest man, so come over here… Hey Carlos take a break from the internet  and meet your new guard, Jonthro Boner.

Carlos Danger (CD):  Boner….what a stupid last name.  Ho ho ho.  What are you the missing link or something Dumthro?

Carlos Danger (Tony de Weiner)

JB:  Please sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me cry like a broken water main.

CD:  Hey no hard feelings, do you like hard feelings by the way.. oh never mind.  Are you hungry Jonny boy?   Wanna bite of my weiner?

JB:  No more of a Possum-ball man myself.  So what you in here for Carlos?

CD:  Busted for impersonating a human…. geez did youse every hear such a thing?   I am all man I can assure you and I got many witnesses who would be more than happy to come forward with photographic evidence.  Pssst, I gotta bust outta here soon, can you be a pal and help me out?

JB:  Well Carlos, I may be a dreamer, but I don’t think I can do something like that and still get my official lawman badge and decoder ring.  Why you need to get out here anyway?

CD:  I gotta catch the 3:10 to Huma.  Get it … my wife’s name is Huma… jeez you are a moron.

JB:  Burp.  Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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July 26, 2013. Tags: , , , , , . Party Jokes, The Beltway Hillbillies, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Beltway Hillbillies, Jonthro Crashes and Burns, The Bank rejoices

During our last episode, the Beltway Hillbillies were heading towards the Fiscal Cliff.  Pork Banker Scary Drysreed and his assistant, Nanny Giveaway, decided to let them go ahead and drive off the Cliff, but word got back to Chairman of the Board, Mr. Big One and he hurried back with his best negotiation skills to solve the potential crisis.

Just as the Cliff  loomed ahead, Jonthro Boner, Speaker of the House of Cards, and nephew to Dumbasset patriarch Mitch Dumbasset, took a corner too fast as he took his eyes off the road and mentally undressed a pretty bill of goods called Sandy Relief.  He claimed he was tired and just needed to get past this crazy desire to drive off the Fiscal Cliff.  He was last seen staggering back towards the Federal Tax and Redistribution Bank and reports had him muttering about Mr. Drysreed reproducing with himself.

old car accident

Mr. Big O'Bamya, Nanny Gaveway, and Scary Drysreed

At the FTR Bank, Mr. Big One, Chairman of the Board returns from his Hawaiian vacation to chat up their victory of more revenue and MORE AND MORE REDISTRIBUTION AND SPENDING LIKE DRUNK SAILORS!!!

Mr. Big One: (BO)   Jeez guys I guess coming back to cut the power steering line to The Dumbassets ol’ japoly was worth it.

Nanny Giveaway (NG):  Oh Mr. Big you are a negotiating machine and so strong and clean and spend like a Coon, ahem …. I meant Tycoon… right Chief?

Scary Drysreed (SD): Shutup you nitwit Nanny, it was all her idea Mr. Big not to call you.  I wanted to call you, but she said no I planted the idea of Plan B with Boner and he will pull a Boner and drive off the cliff…

BO:  Enough you two, enough about you, lets talk about me … I am great, I won, I cut the steering thingy and I won this all by my lonesome, you morons are around just to say stupid things and keep my office guarded during my golf excursions.  Now I have to talk up our victory of tax relief with my poor friends in Hollyweird, while those rich evil doers elsewhere will pay their fair share. And oh yes I must  return to gazing at my incredibly beautiful facial structure on a shaded Hawaiian beach. Ciao you idiots.

SC:  Good going you dumb slut Nanny, this was my deal to win!

NG:  Chief, to paraphrase the words of Jonthro Boner, Go and make love to thyself… you old fart.

SC:  If this was the sixties, I would … geez… please don’t look at me, those eyes… you’re melting my money belt.

January 3, 2013. Party Jokes, The Beltway Hillbillies. Leave a comment.

The Beltway Hillbillies: Driving to the Fiscal Cliff

The Dumassetts  The Beltway Hillbillies

Clockwise Top left:  Kelly Mae Ayotte,  Granny Annie Six Shooter Coulter, Jonthro Boner,  Mitch Dumbasset.

Theme of Beltway Hillbillies

 Come and listen to this story about a rube named Jonthro

Poor speaker of the house, his words come mighty slow

Then one day when he was tanning his back side

Up through his brain stem came a idear to be tried

Tax increases on the rich, millionaires and billionaires

Well next thing you know he called it Plan B

Tea Partiers said, Jonthro, no way we’re go’n up that tree

Said, the head of the house ain’t for you, ya big stiff

So he loaded up his truck and headed towards the cliff

Fiscal, that is, tax hikes, defense cuts

Well now its time to say adios to Jonthro and his friends

And he like to thank you for letting him stay ‘til the bitter ends

He wish you’d invite him to stick around a spell

Most rather see him drive off the cliff straight into hell

Eternal damnation, that is, Lake of Fire.  Really quite hot.

Y’all stay down there, y’hear?

Mean while back at Federal Tax and Redistribution Bank, Head of the Senate Pork fund, Mr. Scary Drysreed and his faithful sidekick and coffee server, Nanny Giveaway are just seeing their biggest suckers… er clients roar past in their broken down old jalopy.

Scary:  Ms. Giveaway was that the Dumbasset truck I just saw barreling down the beltway towards Fiscal Cliff Falls?  We need those Dumbassets to have someone to laugh at and wrap around our money stained fingers.

Nanny:  If my face could move I could have tracked them Chief as they went past, but all I know is we can’t let them go off the cliff,… well maybe we do just that….

Scary:  Nanny I pay you to get my coffee and kiss my wrinklie old ass, but you might be onto something there, I will let the Chairman of the Board know what we have seen.

Nanny:  Oh Chief, he is in Hawaii, sipping eggnog and reflecting on his image in the Pacific, it can wait until they are well over the Cliff.

Scary:  Bravo, Ms. Giveaway, send a memo out, bonuses for everybody…. the coffers will should be overflowing again.  Now leave me alone,  your eyes are starting to make my fruitcake melt.

Dingy Harry Dryreed and Nanny Giveaway

December 23, 2012. Tags: , , , , , . Party Jokes, The Beltway Hillbillies. Leave a comment.