A Beltway Hillbilly meets Sheriff Joe and a special inmate

Its been a spell since we last seen our favorite bunch of hillbillies,  The Beltway Hillbillies,  lead by family patriarch Mitch Dumbasset,  his nephew Jonthro Boner the house menace., Granny Annie Coulter the deranged shotgun-packing crazy woman, Kelly Mae Ayotte-Dumbasset, the shapely,  but not seemingly too bright daughter of Mitch, along with their foals in DC,  Scary Drysreid, Nanny Giveaway and Mr. Big among others.  This episode of our favorite DC hayseeds has Jonthro Boner going to Arizona to see if Sheriff Joe will give Jonthro a quick lesson in sheriffing and make Jonthro an authorized lawmen like that of Matt Dillon, Bat Masterson or Barney Fife.

Scene:  Sheriff Joe’s jailhouse in Arizona

Sheriff Joe

Jonthro Boner (JB):  Howdy pardner Joe, it sure is swell you giving me some o’ time to visit your post here on the frontier and giving me some tips on sheriffing.

Sheriff Joe (SJ): Well actually I sent you an email saying I had to cancel, just so busy trying to defeat that darn gang of Ocho.

JB:  Well I don’t like email or any of them modern do-hickey things the kids do.  So here I am, give me some of yo’ bestest tips Big Joe.  Maybe firing some weapons down on the range, near that home on the range, where the buffalo…

SJ:  Cut the crap there Jonthro, before we do anything I gotta ask you what in the name of tarnation you idiots doing in DC?   You gonna let old Beaner Ohbaja pass that Gawd awful immigration deform bill.

Jonthro Boner Cowboy wannabe

JB: Well I ain’t been paying too close attention to that bill, or Benghazi or IRS scandals.  This tan doesn’t come without a cost.  So where is my official HLS badge?

SJ:  Boner, I have just about had it with you RINOs, I ran the Marco Kid out of town just a few weeks back.   And I ain’t Homeland Security you in-bred moron.

JB:  Hey, I just  got some magic mushrooms from Lucky Schroomer and I think my noggin well be better soon after I take of few of those, whoa, can I go in the squad car and make the siren go wu wu!

SJ:  No, Jonthro, though that would be niffy fun. I got a better idea.  I need a guard for our holding cell and that would give you some official lawman creed.   You know mingle with real life prisoners and then maybe I will let you see my silver six shooters.

JB: Oh boy, you are cool dude.

SJ:  The coolest man, so come over here… Hey Carlos take a break from the internet  and meet your new guard, Jonthro Boner.

Carlos Danger (CD):  Boner….what a stupid last name.  Ho ho ho.  What are you the missing link or something Dumthro?

Carlos Danger (Tony de Weiner)

JB:  Please sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me cry like a broken water main.

CD:  Hey no hard feelings, do you like hard feelings by the way.. oh never mind.  Are you hungry Jonny boy?   Wanna bite of my weiner?

JB:  No more of a Possum-ball man myself.  So what you in here for Carlos?

CD:  Busted for impersonating a human…. geez did youse every hear such a thing?   I am all man I can assure you and I got many witnesses who would be more than happy to come forward with photographic evidence.  Pssst, I gotta bust outta here soon, can you be a pal and help me out?

JB:  Well Carlos, I may be a dreamer, but I don’t think I can do something like that and still get my official lawman badge and decoder ring.  Why you need to get out here anyway?

CD:  I gotta catch the 3:10 to Huma.  Get it … my wife’s name is Huma… jeez you are a moron.

JB:  Burp.  Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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July 26, 2013. Tags: , , , , , . Party Jokes, The Beltway Hillbillies, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

I knew it all along, Ernie doing Bert

I guess it’s offiical that Bert and Ernie are a gay couple, I mean if you are on the cover of the New Yorker  it has to be true?   I wrote these lyrics in 2005 more as a slam on Homeland Security but Bert and Ernie being gay got thrown it as well,  so I guess I was ahead of the curve.  Kinda ironic that the song lyrics were about someone trying to avoid marriage as much as possible, but its a very moronic… er .. .ironic world isn’t it?  Doubly ironic that the NSA/Snowden and Gay Marriage are the two biggest topics eight years later…. Nosterdumbass that’s me…. pass me the rubber duckie my conehead buddy… myah.

bert-and-ernie

 

HIGH ALERT

 

I got caught off guard
Happened in my own backyard
My borders were exposed
The lights on, but doors not closed
 
I was only a couple of dates
Just friends, not soul mates
I guess you took it as fate
Dropping a bomb in a moving crate
 
Bridge
It was a simple life
No thoughts of adding a wife
But there you were
Standing at my door
Suitcases in hand
I was done for
 
Chorus
My Homeland
With no Defense
Nothing common
Makes no sense
You got me living
On High Alert
On High Alert, High, High oh High Alert
Ain’t been this shook
Since I learned Ernie was doing Bert
Oh High Alert, High-High-high Alert
Lying low and
Living on High Alert
 
 
Say you want commitment
To me you’re an enemy combatant
Find someone else to terrorize
All I can offer is my goodbyes
 
My shades are drawn
Got cameras sweeping the lawn
I got your phone tapped
I’m safe, still I feel trapped
 
I had a simple life
Now filled with strife
My doors are locked
My driveway blocked
And living on
High Alert
 
Chorus
My Homeland
With no Defense
Nothing common
Makes no sense
You got me living
On High Alert
On High Alert, High, High oh High Alert
Ain’t been this shook
Since I learned Ernie was doing Bert
Oh High Alert, High-High-high Alert
Lying low and
Living on High Alert
 
I’m on my guard
I’m on patrol
Watching my back
Fearing another attack
 
I learned my lesson
Beware of whom you flirt
Next thing you know
You’ll be on high alert
 
Chorus
My Homeland
With no Defense
Nothing common
Makes no sense
You got me living
On High Alert
On High Alert, High, High oh High Alert
Ain’t been this shook
Since I learned Ernie was doing Bert
Oh High Alert, High-High-high Alert
Lying low and
Living on High Alert
  

Copyright 2005 ©  Larry Donnelly

April 2005 Lorenzo Donnelli Musix

July 2, 2013. Tags: . Party Jokes, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.