Prince Charming in Moderate Earth

Our story begins with the second quest of  Prince Biff Charming (PC) to claim the throne of Moderate Earth, he is fresh from a close victory in Eyeohwah but is gearing up to do battle in New Hamhockshire , a tiny state  in the old country of  New Anglophile.  As he rests on his journey he is greeted by an old adversary, the wily Gollum McPrecious (GM), who now seems willing to be the Prince’s ally. 
As Prince Charming rested by the peaceful woodland pond, he was startled by a noise in nearby woods.

PC:  “Hark, who goes there?  Friend or Foe?”

GM:”Careful with thee sword, oh Prince of Charms and Good looks, it is I Gollum and I come in peace, oh yes, peace indeed. Gollum likes Peace except in the Middle East kingdoms… Gaddifi rot in hell you bastard…”

PC: “Tell me, what is the nature of this surprise visit and what has happened to you… you have aged beyond thy years.”

GM:  “Yes, I was cast aside when I lost to The One,  SOBamaman.  He made Gollum look weak and powerless and much aging I have endured.  Thus my sweet Prince, I have come to join your crusade and finally bring and end to The One and take hold of my precious… our precious, yes.”

PC:  “I will take your support with some holding of the nostrils, my God man could you throw a shower in your schedule from time to time?”

GM:  “Oh yes my handsome King to be.  So tell me of thy latest battles, your foes are too numerous to keep track and Gollum is easily confused these days.  Thank the stars above my former handmaiden Queen Pallid has stayed home in her Ice Castle, Gollum says she is no good and as wily as the arctic fox, oh my Lucky Charms… Gollum knows they are always after me Lucky Charms…”

PC:  “Babble no more knave and I shall inform thee to the question you doth poseth. Events have been strange and twists and turns lurk around every curve. When I thought it was Gildo “the eye of  Newt”  Teabaggins  I should most fear, a challenger henceforth of no consequence comes to the fore.”

GM:  “Would this be the Black Knight, the one they call the 999 of Spades?”

PC:  “No the Black Knight was brought down by of all things a lady, well several ladies, well not ladies really, tarts, or even less discreet would say whores, but not I to criticize; for all men, at least the men I partake company of, are vulnerable to the charms of the female flesh.”

GM:  “Gollum thinks the Knight got his freak on, … oh I like the thought of that… ”

PC:  “Silence wretched man!  My new opponent is the Santorond the part effingelical, part conservative leader from the mountains they call the Poconos.  His war chest is yet small but I fear he may take those who no longer favor the Black Knight or the Queen of Minnaria.”

GM:”He is young this Santamoron?”

PC:  ” It’s Santorond, and he is not young, but his looks are boyish and this peeves me greatly, for I should be the fairest of them all!”

GM: “What of the wizard, as well as ,  the leader of where men are men?”

PC:  “Yes, Ganpaulf and Peragon.  Ganpaulf, oh what a wiz he iz …. NOT!  He is of two minds this wizard, he is part Right Earth on matters fiscally.  But he is seen as Far Left Earth with his views of the use of the armed forces. He would ignore the outlying enemies of Moderate Earth and audit the Royal Bank instead.   He babbles often incoherently and has a gaze that can give ones sphincter a good tightening.  As for Peragon, he is unsure, one day in, next day out; I hear he retrenches in South Rednecklia and whiles his hours hunting at his lodge, Coon River Game Farm.”

GM: ” My sphincter is often tightened and Gollum is frequently bound and gassy, me hates Milk of Magnesia….”

PC: “Spare me the details of your movements ye of foul smell and bad comb-over.  Time is of the essence, I must make my showing in Hamhockshire.”

GM: “Ride like I break the wind my dearest friend… and Gollum wishes you success on bringing my precious to me… TO ME… ME ME ME… but please go gentle on Sobamaman, for we must be fair, mustin we my Lord?, and not upset the media scribes… yes, and then Moderate Earth will be mine… Ours.. yes… hehehehehe… “


January 9, 2012. Tags: , , . Party Jokes, Prince Charming in Moderate Earth. 1 comment.