The Beltway Hillbillies: Driving to the Fiscal Cliff

The Dumassetts  The Beltway Hillbillies

Clockwise Top left:  Kelly Mae Ayotte,  Granny Annie Six Shooter Coulter, Jonthro Boner,  Mitch Dumbasset.

Theme of Beltway Hillbillies

 Come and listen to this story about a rube named Jonthro

Poor speaker of the house, his words come mighty slow

Then one day when he was tanning his back side

Up through his brain stem came a idear to be tried

Tax increases on the rich, millionaires and billionaires

Well next thing you know he called it Plan B

Tea Partiers said, Jonthro, no way we’re go’n up that tree

Said, the head of the house ain’t for you, ya big stiff

So he loaded up his truck and headed towards the cliff

Fiscal, that is, tax hikes, defense cuts

Well now its time to say adios to Jonthro and his friends

And he like to thank you for letting him stay ‘til the bitter ends

He wish you’d invite him to stick around a spell

Most rather see him drive off the cliff straight into hell

Eternal damnation, that is, Lake of Fire.  Really quite hot.

Y’all stay down there, y’hear?

Mean while back at Federal Tax and Redistribution Bank, Head of the Senate Pork fund, Mr. Scary Drysreed and his faithful sidekick and coffee server, Nanny Giveaway are just seeing their biggest suckers… er clients roar past in their broken down old jalopy.

Scary:  Ms. Giveaway was that the Dumbasset truck I just saw barreling down the beltway towards Fiscal Cliff Falls?  We need those Dumbassets to have someone to laugh at and wrap around our money stained fingers.

Nanny:  If my face could move I could have tracked them Chief as they went past, but all I know is we can’t let them go off the cliff,… well maybe we do just that….

Scary:  Nanny I pay you to get my coffee and kiss my wrinklie old ass, but you might be onto something there, I will let the Chairman of the Board know what we have seen.

Nanny:  Oh Chief, he is in Hawaii, sipping eggnog and reflecting on his image in the Pacific, it can wait until they are well over the Cliff.

Scary:  Bravo, Ms. Giveaway, send a memo out, bonuses for everybody…. the coffers will should be overflowing again.  Now leave me alone,  your eyes are starting to make my fruitcake melt.

Dingy Harry Dryreed and Nanny Giveaway

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December 23, 2012. Tags: , , , , , . Party Jokes, The Beltway Hillbillies. Leave a comment.

Kerrenstein and Frau Hillucher meet again

Late one evening in the bowels of the State Department headquarters, Johnny B. Kerrenstein is taking measurements for his new office, as he anticipates being the new Secretary of State.  When to his surprise he hears a loud cry like an animal who has been caught in a trap or in a life and death struggle.  Johnny runs to where heard the sound originated and hears a whimpering coming from behind a conference room door.  Johnny bursts in, and to his shock  he finds none other than Frau Hillucher, his predecessor at head of the State Department. 

Johnny B Kerrenstein (JBK):  Frau Hillaucher are you OK ?

Kerrenstein Monster

Frau Hillucher (FH):  Oh mein Gott!, I thought it might be Susan Rice or someone from Intelligence Committee or worse yet, Bill.  You almost caused an excretion mein grossen monster you.

JBK:  Frau Hillucher are you Okay?  Your head, the bandage, the ball-peen hammer?  Were you attacked?

FH: Nein, you silly huge animal you. I vas trying to put up a picture of our fearless commander, the swinehund who crushed my dreams just those short four years ago… das tut mir leid…  Anyvay, old five thumbs here brings back the hammer just a little too far and boom, mein kampf is a aching.

Frau Hillaucher copy

You know I am so sadden, for ich not be ablen to testify to those nice senators about that Benghazi thing, Ich thinken in fact it will be up to you.

JBK: ARggrrhhhh Johnny not want to touch that with ten foot pole.

FH:  Ja, I hearen about your ten footer Johnny B. Good, das ist gut!!

JBK:  You are not right in the head mein Mistress of the Night, let me get the doctor.

FH:  No I will  be okay, but come give me a kleinen huggy and Frau Hillucher will feel all better, and I will tell you some nice stories you can share with those nasty old senators…. tsk, tsk, to think I Frau Hillucher the smartest Frau with a unibrow could do anything wrong.  Ach tu leiben!!  Neiggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ride Johnny ride.

To revisit our lovebirds first meeting  go here

December 20, 2012. Tags: , , . Party Jokes. Leave a comment.

Chumlee not to be denied, Voted Smartest Man in the World!

As some of you may know, the Onion, ran the article that Kim Jong Un was voted the sexiest man alive.  The Chinese newspaper, People’s Daily, picked this up and now it must be true.

Well this did not sit well with Chumlee (aka Kim Gong Wrong), the once sibling rival of Kim Jong Un.  Found out to not be twin brother to Mr. Un, but rather the bastard step brother, Chumlee  left N. Korea earlier this year under a cloud of shame and defeat in his power struggle for N. Korea’s top spot.  And now this news of  Mr. Un’s new title as the boy toy of the universe.

But sadness was replaced with joy as the announcement broke this week that, World News Weakly’s  monthly magazine, Brain Farts, announced  Chumlee being  voted the Smartest  Person Alive in 2012.  Cited for his study of tattoos that release Omega 3 directly in the body, hence, the enormous increase in Chumlee’s   brain function and curbing his desire for Hostess Ding Dongs ( what timing!);  Chumlee beat out Michelle Bachmann’s Vaccination Theories  and Nancy Pelosi’s Unemployment as Economic Growth Engine research to take the top spot.

Chumlee,seen sporting a new ‘do since the announcement was made, was quoted as saying  somewhat cryptically that “E!News equals MC Hammer is a square , dude. ”  Wow he is really … ah … something…

Chumleestein

December 18, 2012. Chumlee vs Kim Jong Un. Leave a comment.

So Sad Part II

Boy that racism card just won’t go away, especially if you can use it in the same sentence with the words Tea Party.  Here are the words of  Stanley Crouch from the NY Daily News commentary about how Susan Rice was destroyed (I am sorry she was scalped, you see right wingers not only hate blacks but we like to smear Native Americans as well) by those evil right wingers.

Some wonder why President Obama did not defend Rice to a greater degree. She is a good friend of his — and was likely his clear choice to head the operation over in Foggy Bottom.
 
It appears to many in and out of the Obama administration that the extreme right-wingers of the Tea Party have scared him away from showing even the least bit of favoritism for a black statesman (or, in this case, woman).
Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/susan-rice-scalp-article-1.1220678#ixzz2FPtCuu72
 

Yep those EXTREME right-wingers of the TEA PARTY!  Let’s see Lindsey Graham and John (Gollum) McCain were two of the biggest opponents to Suzi Rice and last time I checked they weren’t exactly card-carrying members of the Tea Party.  Even the most moderate marshmallow of the RINO middle, Susan Collins wasn’t giving the thumbs up to Ms. Rice.  Maybe if Obama really wanted her to be Sec’try of State they wouldn’t  have used her as the spokeperson for the Benghazi debacle coming up with the anti-Muslim video as the reason for our personnel being killed.  I also suspect Susan Rice wasn’t very diplomatic in her meetings with Republicans she needed to win over.  And being Secretary of State it helps to be a tad diplomatic.

I think Mr. Crouch should be happy that Ms. Rice did the dirty work for President Obama  and that Hillary is left unscathed as well for the total failure of leadership we showed in the attack on the Benghazi embassy.

It’s the Crouch who stole Christmases of the world that love to keep the race card alive and well.  But hey that’s why progressives are so… hmmmm regressive?

But then they don’t  miss any chance to smear the Tea Party.  So Sad.

December 18, 2012. Party Chairman Commentary. Leave a comment.

Here’s some new thinking.

Peggy Noonan’s WSJ opinion piece in today’s paper hits on a good observation that the Republicans need to come up with some new talking points or new thinking.  Here is an example from her editorial:

If conservatives are going to appeal to the nonrich, perhaps we want to be talking about—I don’t know, let’s float an idea—breaking up the banks? Too big to fail is too big to live, didn’t we learn that in 2008? Why aren’t we debating this? How about doing away with the carried interest deduction? Would billionaire hedge-fund contributors not like that? Isn’t that just kind of . . . too bad?Those are two ideas that, while politically difficult, would have broad populist appeal and are conservative in essence.This is not the time to be describing the problem—we need “new thinking”—it’s the time to start coming up with the new thinking.

I think she is spot on with the first item.  Sure it’d require a  new regulation, but if you kept it simple (not a modern concept) and said you have to sell off part of your operations if you reach a certain size, or you can only have a certain percent of the banking market before you have to diversify, this would be a popular and smart policy.  Her second item, the carried interest deduction, shit I know what she is referring to, nor would 95% of the voters in this country.  I am not saying it’s not a good idea but it’s not going to a barn burner in terms of political gain.

Here is a thought that I think should be pushed hard, and I mean really hard by the Republicans/conservatives.  Push for laws that would encourage formation, (or lessen any constraints on them being formed) of ESOPs; especially targeting companies who are enmeshed in constant union vs. management battles (airlines, auto companies, shipping companies, steel, construction).  ESOP, or employee stock ownership plans make so much sense on so many levels I can’t believe it’s never talked about.

One it’s a better business model than most.  It allows for employees to buy and own stock in the company, taking part of their salary as options, stock, methods of ownership in the company.  It’s not a cure all, and it should not be a plan where all employee’s 401K or savings go into just company stock; but  properly designed you can bet you look at your fellow employee differently if they are not protected by a union contract that prevents them from being fired except for the most egregious circumstances.  You might not tolerate sloppy work or bad habits of colleague when you know your bonus or profit sharing and stock price may suffer.   Management would have to include more input from front line and production employees.  It also helps to have employees having a strong voice in policy and business decisions, and I can’t help but think it has to prevent stacking the board of directors with cronies, helping to stem the obscene payments and bonuses some companies have for upper management.

I good example is the recent Hostess Bakery demise .  Here you had unions dug in, and in essence allowing principle and stubbornness rule over saving thousand of jobs that are hard to replace in this economy.  But before we go all hard ass on the union, in a WSJ article from Dec 3rd, well lookie here, the board of directors gave all the executive geniuses bonuses knowing the Ding Dong was about to hit the fan.  My that was convenient wasn’t it?  Maybe I would have been a little reluctant to bend over if I was the union as well.  I mean this how broken the union/management divide can be to companies.

What a better message than pushing a business model that provides the chance for great reward for employees and companies that work hard and with purpose to grow and make long-term decisions.  If a company succeeds and does well, let all the people who made it do so share in the reward, not just a small group of investors and upper management.

Republicans could use this subject to emphasis making healthier companies and healthier economy;  having an economy with more responsive, responsible  companies that can react and adapt quicker to economic conditions, and best of all weaken the Dem- labor union political marriage, and take a positive tack on labor issues than the confrontational one we have now.

I think we need to do the same thing in a public sector unions as well, where there are incentives and policies to make it so all parts of a government entity work towards similar goals and making good financial decisions. But that subject is a lot trickier and I think above my pay grade.

So Repubs bring some solid and popular ideas to the table, and I hope you see ESOP model as one of the ways to think new and think smart.  Because right now you are the Stupid Party and that needs to change.

December 15, 2012. Party Chairman Commentary. Leave a comment.

So Sad

I was having dinner this week with my daughter who is a Tweeter all-star and asked if she was following me on Tweeter.  She said she couldn’t since my tweeter name is LarryDteaparty.  I said what would that have to do with it.  And she says you know that the Tea Party has a bunch of racists in it. And I countered ” you know that isn’t true” and she mumbled yeah kinda but ….”   Again proof of how good a job the media has done maligning the original Tea Party movement.

What my daughter is saying she can’t be seen even following someone with a tweeter name with tea party in it or all her liberal minded twits would think untoward thoughts about her.  Even sadder, I know many conservative minded Republicans who think about the same thing.  Again all I can say is the focus of the Tea Party was to fight for smaller government, free markets, individual liberty and responsibility and fiscal responsibility at all levels of government but particular the Federal level.  Just look at the Unions in Michigan threatening proponents of the Right to Work law,  or the Occupy Movement during its camp outs if you want something to keep you up at night.

December 15, 2012. Tags: , , . Party Chairman Commentary. Leave a comment.

Past Obama Carols not previously posted here.

2008 – The Night before Obamas

Well not really a Carol, but it based on an iconic Christmas poem.

The Night before Obama

A partisan parody of The Night before Christmas by Larry Donnelly, Christmas 2008

“Twas the night before Obama, when all through the ‘hood

Not a voter was stirring, better knock on some wood

The wonders were sung by the media with care,

In hopes that The One soon would be there;

Congress was settled all smug in their federally funded beds

While visions of ear-marks being passed in their heads

But Joe and Sarah Six Pack and their many sons

Still clung to religion and bought some more guns

When out of the heartland there arose such a clatter

A Gov named Blagojveich suddenly matter’d

Trying so hard to make a big splash

Threw out the rules and asked for some cash

The freshness of Barack like the new-fallen snow

Lost some of its luster, almost like us mortals below

When what to our wondering eyes should appear

But another billion dollar bailout to smooth over our fears

With a new cabinet, much smarter and less thick

And with a vice president not named Dick

More rapid than Blackberries, the believers they came,

And He interviewed and vetted and called them by name;

Now, Dashel, Now Biden, now Michelle you damn Vixen!

On Rahm, On Gates, and you’re kidding, Ms. Clinton?!

To the top of the mountain, this (bleep’s) off the wall!

Now work away!  Work away!  Work away all!

Who would have thunk it, as if pigs (with lipstick) could fly

But there he was, a Savior from up on high

So on to Washington his angels did flew

With hope and change and Oprah came too

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the news

All the new programs and policies starting to ooze

As I sat at my table to write the big check

I heard a knock just off my back deck

There He was in splendor, from his head to his toes

“I’m here to redistribute – have some from Plumber Joe”

A bundle of goodies he flung off his back

Heck, he admitted, he secretly cheered for the Pack

(editors note: The Packers, I’m a unreformed Cheesehead)

His ears – how they wiggled, his speech oh so merry

His words were like roses, he even said “Call me Barry!”

He was a good dancer and jived like a bro

He could shoot a three pointer, as smooth as a pro

An unlit heater he held tight in his teeth

“I’d smoke it, but Brokaw would give me such grief.”

He had a thin face and had hardly a belly,

He was smooth and slick like petroleum jelly.  

He was clever and a right smart old egg

I have to admit, it sent a thrill up my leg

In a blink of a eye and a twist of my arm

Soon I had to confess I had no cause for alarm

   He said he protect me, make sure I’d find work

As he laid out all his promises, I felt a tear jerk

And laying a hand up on my shoulder

He assured me, that he’d make the climate much colder

He sprang for his hybrid, he gave a shout out

“Come on dude, did you really have any doubt?”

I heard one last thing, ere he drove out of sight

“Happy Seasonal Greetings to all and you all better hope I get this thing right!”

 

Merry Christmas and good night.

 

2009:THE TWELVE MONTHS OF OBAMAS

CHRISTMAS 2009 CAROL

On the first month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

A stimulus bill, indeedee

 

On the second month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

Two Car companies (Have you boughten a Ford lately)

 

On the third month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

Three Bizarre Czars (and about 45 more we have serious questions about)

 

On the fourth month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

Four Blame the Bushies (well at least 4 a week but we don’t have that many months)

 

On the fifth month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

Five Biden Gaffs (that stimulus plan is working just as we expected, anybody seen my meds?)
On the sixth month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

Six Dictators A-bowing to (how low can he go?)
On the seventh month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

Seven jobs created or a-saving (give or take a job, its tough to figure those fake congressional districts in)
On the eighth month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

Eight Acorn offices-Pimping (hey voter fraud is no biggie, but start advising on child prostitution then damn we get angry)
On the ninth month of Obamas,
The One sent to me

Nine Judges A-ruling (1 Wise Latino woman, 1 Uncle Tom Black, 1 Wise but ailing Jewish woman, 6 crackers who don’t know nuttin’ except the liberal ones who still ain’t no way as wise as that Latino gal, though they aren’t as stupid as the New Haven police, now that’s pretty stupid , but please don’t get me wrong about those police, remember I had a beer with that one, they  ain’t nearly as stupid as that gun and religion clinger  Palin, I mean she is the poster child for Stupid, Ok so she sold some books but she ain’t no Latino wise gal that’s for sure, bet she can’t even salsa mmm mmm mmm; for those of you scoring at home)

 

On the tenth month of Obamas,
The One sent to me
Ten Caps A-Trading  (I would gladly trade my White Soxs for a Nationals or vintage Senators)

 

On the eleventh month of Obamas,
The One sent to me
Eleven taxpayers teabagging (not sure exactly what teabagging is, … I        mean, ahem, lets move on to…)

 

On the twelfth month of Obamas,
The One sent to me
Twelve Trillion Debt Financing

Eleven Taxpayers Teabagging

Ten Caps A-Trading

Nine Judges A-Ruling

Eight Acorn offices A-pimping

Seven Jobs Created or A-saving

Six Dictators A-bowing (to)

Five Biden Gaffs

Four Blame the Bushies

Three Bizarre Czars

Two Car Companies

And a Stimulus Bill, indeedee!!

 

2010:  The First Shellack

(To the tune of The First Noel)

The first shellack,  the voters gave say

Was to clueless house members in districts they betray

In districts they betray ignoring the folk,

On a Tuesday in November that was no joke

Shell Lack, Shell Whack, Shell Lack, Shell Whack

In 2012 he’s not coming back.

 

And by the result of that same vote,

Nancy lost her gig, but she’s still afloat

“I ain’t to blame, I’ll lead ‘til we win

More Botox please, to keep my stupid grin”

Shell Lack, Shell Whack, Shell Lack, Shell Whack

In 2012 he’s not coming back.

By the dawn of the very next day

Obama said, “To India I must stray

People here too stupid to understand,

My message so deep ‘specially if your name is Rand”

Shell Lack, Shell Whack, Shell Lack, Shell Whack

In 2012 he’s not coming back.

 

Their Star has lost his bright luster

Whose moves for two years were a cluster
O’er Washington press corp came a fear
That it could be the end of One’s career
Shell Lack, Shell Whack, Shell Lack, Shell Whack

In 2012 he’s not coming back.

 

Obamacare may not get enacted  Afgan war is being protracted

The economy has flat lined

The Dollar gone into full decline

No Way, No How, No Way, No How

Hope and change had a cow.

 

 

So let’s with this midterm election,

Give our country some traction

To restore liberty, give freedom new life

Take to the US budget a big- ass knife

Shellack, Shell Whack, Shellack, Shell Whack

Lets Pray , he’s not coming back

And for 2011 see it here:

https://2teaornot2tea.wordpress.com/2011/12/16/the-obama-carols-2011-and-may-it-be-the-last-so-help-us-god/

 

 

 

 

December 3, 2012. Obamas Carols. Leave a comment.

2012 Obama Christmas Carol… Sigh

God I was really hoping this was never going to have been done for another four years,  Oh Bah  Bambug

You voted in a Barry Obamas,

 (To the tune of  We Wish You a Merry Christmas)

You voted in a Barry Obamas,

You voted in a Barry Obamas,

You voted in a Barry Obamas and another four years

Good riddance, he hit Mitt on the chin

Good riddance from Obamas and another four years

Now tax those piggy one percenters

Now tax those piggy one percenters

Now tax those piggy one percenters

Bring it to us right here

We won’t go until we get us some

We won’t go until we get us some

We won’t go until we get us some

Or find someone new to smear

Were stuck with a Barry Obamas,

Were stuck with a Barry Obamas

Were stuck with a Barry Obamas and Hapless Joe-Oh dear.

December 3, 2012. Obamas Carols, Party Jokes. Leave a comment.

Prince Charming In Moderate Earth, Best Friends Forevah

Biff Charming the defeated foe of SOBamaman for the rule of Moderate Earth, decided to break bread with his former sworn opponent, and discuss ways to work together and help keep transforming Moderate Earth into the Bottom of the Barrel Earth. We join our new best friends during their lunch in the White Tower.

SOB(Sobamaman):  Biff , you evil overlord of outsourcing and wealth creation, welcome to my liar, er my office.

BC(Biff Charming): Glad I could come and meet you again Santamaman, gifter to all the colored folks and courageous commander of  killing our unarmed foes and Moderate Earth diplomats.

SOB: Ha, ha, you are the joker aren’t you.   Ah I am glad the past is behind us, for I need your talent and good looks for a photo op, look over there Biffy, smile… {FLASH}.

BC: However I can help your Highness.

SOB: Please Biff, lets not be so formal, I’m just The One to my friends.

BC:  Okay, One,  so have you heard anything recently from my old pal, Gov. Hissie Christie Dumptie?  He doesn’t seem to return my calls of late.

SOB:  Who,…oh… Big Dumptie, yes, he sure did take one on yooo…. er… no He is very busy, he has appearances to keep up on those important news outlets like Saturday Evening Comatose.  But boy he does take a good photo op and sound bite… he doesn’t miss many bites does he?  Ho Ho

BC:  Yaaah, well I least Gollum McPrecious is leaving me alone these days. I hear he is going after your United Earther ambassador Sushi “Brown” Rice.   Poor defenseless female and minority, Sushi;  Gollum is a mean old and I mean old troll isn’t he?

SOB:  McPrecious finally learned to pick a fight he could win, but I have said to him ‘come on old man, I beat yo’ ass down one more time, like the ugly motherfolker you are.’   Like he needs anymore time with the ugly stick huh?  Yes Sushi, so gentle and so pliable and she flattens out so nicely as the SOBamaman bus runs over her.  Oh look lunch is being served….

Biff and SOBarmanan BFF

BC:  Oh macaroni and cheese and spam, some of my favorites,  isssssssshhh.

SOB:  I wish I could join you, but Michellandbrimstone, my concubine, er wife, keeps me on strict diet so I will suffer with my glazed salmon with fresh caesar salad and quarterpounder with goat cheese, and sweet potato fries with some McDonnies fries snuck in there.  All work and no play… really pisses me off.

BC: So you must have wished for my 5 point plan to use to help turn around the country.  I have many copies here for your use.

SOB: No, I think our stock of toilet paper is overflowing so I see no need.

BC:  Maybe, some tips from my corporate days, One?

SOB:  Noooooot really big guy, pass the tarter sauce pal, I think I got this business stuff all figured out. Douches like you, make some stuff and then you dumbsheeters  give most of your revenue back to dear old SOBamaman.  He will then reinvest it in some of his bestest other friend’s businesses, you know the ones that like to spend money like there is no tomorrow and then go broke but we  get dumbsheeters like you and other payers of taxes to cover for their mistakes.  They learned that from me,… did you know that?

BC: Sure.  Well, then maybe I can help in showing  you some ways we can reduce all the red ink?

SOB:  Are you forking me there big Biff??  Sheeet no, I just got this spending thing down, we print money, we rob from the Rich and we spend like we don’t have a care in the world. No way I am going back to the policies of the past… growth and moderate government, Nein mein Herr!!

BC:  What? I don’t understand.

SOB:  Excuse me,  I sometimes forget who I am, just your humble One.  My time does fly, well this was nice,  maybe we’ll do this again when I rule over all of the Earth. Don’t worry about not finishing lunch, we’ll get you a doggy bag,  just promise not to strap it to the top of your car.  Ho ho, Alexrod wrote that one, he is good isn’t he?  …. and Biff?

BC:  Yes One and Only?

SOB:  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass… I hate loud noises before nappy time. Burp.

December 2, 2012. Tags: . Party Jokes, Prince Charming in Moderate Earth. Leave a comment.